I’ve recently learned that my body is capable of deceit, and my mind is working against me. Try to convince yourself that everything is okay when your mind is telling you that your body is in trouble.

It has taken me awhile, but I now understand that anxiety is the instigator of this conspiracy. Anxiety is capable of rolling over me like a gang of hoodlums on nerdy white boy. First blindsided, by the time I realize I’m being hit, I’m already on the ground in the fetal position waiting for the beating to stop.

Mean as it is, anxiety is a tricky bitch. At first, I get the impression that I’m on to something (my chest doesn’t usually feel tight like this), then I think that I am definitely dealing with a problem situation (oh yea, that pain and discomfort is new), finally I’m strapped to a blood pressure cuff trying to figure out if I should drive myself to the hospital or call an ambulance.

Call them what you will: panic attacks, anxiety attacks, episodes, spells, fugues, they all undermine confidence and general well being.

So far, I can’t figure out what sets them off.  My day is going along fine. The gears of life are efficiently meshing and whirling; then all the sudden I feel something. Maybe it’s a sharp pain; maybe it’s a flutter or a spasm. Whatever it is, it gets me thinking that something is off inside my body. Yes, heartburn is to blame for many of these sensations, but the variety and changing locations make me wonder if acid reflux is too easy a diagnosis for what may be a serious problem. Besides, Dr. Internet tells me that any chest pain or discomfort could be a sign of a serious medical problem. So, off I go thinking. Thinking of what it could be, thinking of what I’ll miss when I’m gone, wondering if I’ve provided well enough for my family, contemplating whether this was all the life I was given to live.

So where is my faith when all this is happening? Good question. In the back of my mind I consider that everyone goes sometime, and perhaps this was all God had for me. Tennyson’s horsemen understood that, “ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die.” Or, perhaps I won’t die, but I will be struck down, and like Job, must persevere. Either way, things would change and not for the better.

I think change has a lot to do with this. Though I can appear easygoing, at my root I am not a roll-with-it kind of guy. I’m uncomfortable with uncontrollable change.  Ever since I was a kid, I hated roller coasters because I couldn’t stop them whenever I wanted. Now that I am older, with a job and family, there are many things affecting my life that I can’t control.

Then there is the fact that I have an active imagination. Perhaps I am a bit too self-aware. I have what the psychologists might call an, “active inner dialog.” I am my own best friend, and I look out for my friends.

Now I must separate body facts from mind fiction. This is not easy, but some mental discipline and a focus on what is actually happening should help. I’m also beginning to understand that grounding myself in faith, and within the body of Christ, may be the most effective course of treatment. Therefore, I am taking steps to connect regularly with others in my church and throughout my daily life. The purpose and perspective I gain through meaningful contact and service may be the best way to pull my head out of my own head.

Tags: anxiety, death, deceit, delusion, service

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